🔗 Share this article

As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that counseling might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This approach will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.